- My socks never match. I believe that matching socks threaten some galactic paradigm of which I have no understanding.
- I just used the word paradigm to sound smart.
- I rarely floss.
- My wife*s a hygienist.
- I buy most of my clothes from the clearance rack at Winners.
- I used to think I was a bad dancer. I*m still right. Ever see a 4-year-old sort of bounce his way through a song? That*s how I dance. Bouncing around like a 5ft 11inch baby with a five o*clock shadow.
- I lied. I*m 5ft 10in.
- I once made a girl believe that Macadamia was a continent. She was nuts.
(Awesome pun! high-five-myself-no-friends) - In high school, I caused the demise of Lumber*s red Volvo by convincing him that the girl he would marry was in the car ahead of us. All he had to do was floor it and avoid the rattling sounds of the motor. We hitchhiked home.
- The first Jew I ever met was a kind gentleman who picked Lumber and I up during my first hitchhike. (See above) During that ride, he repeatedly offered us bagels and punctuated each sentence by saying No charge, no charge. He also spent a considerable amount of time on his cell phone telling the person on the other line to Sue him. It*s his porch. He should have put salt down. Sue him. No word of a lie.
- While I do believe that stereotypes are utterly ridiculous. I find it absolutely side-splitting when they are inadvertently reinforced.
- I*ve never held a wiffle bat that I didn*t swing at someone.
- On the day of the Asian tsunami, one of my first thoughts was, I wonder if there*s a sponge factory in Phuket.
- From the 9th to 11th grade, I saw exactly 2 vaginas. Both were owned and operated by my math and english teachers.
Here*s a random list of people I believe deserve a punch in the face.
- People who shit on the toilet seat at work. There*s one in every office. I have strong suspicion that there*s sub species of humans who shit out of their hips and balls, which is the only possible way you can get that much crap on a lid.
- Guy who invented the Hummer.
- Guy who purchases a Hummer for anything other then off-roading or some form of military combat.
- Hitler.
- Lady who was smoking on Parliament Hill during the moment of silence on rememberance day.
- Keanu Reeves in a serious role.
- All of the Popples. Stuffed animals that can store unlimited amounts of junk in their pouches. A cartoon metaphore for drug mules design to appeal to a whole new generation of children. You could*ve been something Puzzle Popple. You were going to change the world.
That is all.
|