Style vs. Warmth
She’s late for work. She forgets her gloves. It’s cold. She runs back into the house to get her gloves. On her way to the bus stop she realizes that her gloves are not a matching pair. No time to run back home. Warmth prevails over style. She catches the bus and shakes her head at the folly.
It’s 4:30pm. Her shift is over. She waits at the bus stop with her mismatched pair of gloves. Glad that she ran back into the house this morning. Happy that warmth prevailed over style.
5pm. She gets off the bus. It’s cold. She reaches for her gloves.
No dice.
She turns around to see the bus putter away with her mismatched pair of gloves. Just like that, two perfectly good pairs of gloves… ruined.
She walks home. Hands buried deep in her pockets.
In the end... style prevailed over warmth.
Dog Poo Archeology
- Have been supplementing my fiber in take with Metamucil. I highly recommend this if you want to shit out gorilla fingers.
- I saw I AM Legend last weekend. I kept hoping Uncle Phil would show up with an UZI with special zombie piercing bullets.
- I like it here. I’d like to blog more. I’d like to have a lot more people read it and wonder… why did I just read that?
- The snow is melting faster than the villain in Robocop who falls in toxic waste and then jumps in front of a car.
- I spent a considerable amount of time last weekend getting reacquainted with the fascinating work of Dog Poo Archeology. The painstaking task of uncovering and bagging countless piles of dog crap remarkably well preserved under layers of Canadian snow.
Interobanged!
Hey you! You might be wondering, what the hell just happened‽
Truth is…
You’ve been INTERROBANGED!
Oh Snap.
Brief History Of The Best Word Ever.
American Martin K. Speckter invented the interrobang in 1962. As the head of an advertising agency, Speckter believed that advertisements would look better if copywriters conveyed surprised rhetorical questions using a single mark. He proposed the interrobang (‽) A rarely used, nonstandard English-language punctuation mark intended to combine the functions of the question mark and the exclamation mark.
A deer at dusk on the corner of an uphill road. Life’s greatest damages are caused by the things we never see coming.
15 WAYS TO BE MORE
AWESOMER IN2008
No Word Of A Lie
After three days of going without presents, we realised that Santa skipped our house. We were left with broken hearts and an an odd smell in the den. Come to find out, Santa crapped in our chimney and somehow... he spelled out "Naughty List" in bits of corn and peanuts.
CHRISTMAS
I wonder if OJ Simpson gets leather gloves for Christmas?
If OJ was coming over for Christmas dinner, my Mom would get him a nice pair of gloves. Despite having a NO GIFT EXCHANGE policy, Mom gets my brother and me a pair of gloves every year.
If OJ was coming over for Christmas dinner, my Mom would get him a nice pair of gloves. Despite having a NO GIFT EXCHANGE policy, Mom gets my brother and me a pair of gloves every year.
Somewhere in lake Ontario, there’s a kid octopus whining to his mom “…but the Stamina kids get gloves every year and they only have two arms!”
(I have no idea if octopuses reside in the great lakes. “Octopuses” Best pluralization ever!)
And let’s do a 180…
(I have no idea if octopuses reside in the great lakes. “Octopuses” Best pluralization ever!)
And let’s do a 180…
To most, today is Christmas Eve, but for Jetson Stamina, it’s Christmas.
I suppose it has to do with my French Canadian roots. Christmas Eve has always been the main event in the Stamina household. Everyone gets a little boozie boozie, we joke around, maybe play some cards and jack the kids up on baked goods.
When Minou (French word for cat) was alive, we would chase her around the house and pull tinsel out of her ass, which made me feel dirty because she enjoyed every minute of it. Back arched to the ceiling, purring like sum’bitch. I read somewhere that 1 out of 10 men have experimented with beastiality.
I sometimes wonder if the tinsel incidents put me in that category. "CATegory". I’m on fire!
(Above is a depiction and not an actual photo of Jetson's cat.) Let’s get back to the Stamina Christmas… (Staying the course is not something I do well.)
Christmas dinner is around 7pm. I spend this time making mash potatoe penis sculptures because by 6pm I’ve eaten my weight in cheese curds and petit-pain-fourres. (Little humped breads)
Around 10:58pm, everyone puts on their winter coats, giant boots, idiot-mitts, toques (warm hats for you Americans), thickest scarves and we get ready to go to 11pm mass. Since every adult is severely pinned on loud mouth soup well before 10pm, we discuss letting one of the kids drive.
While we all agree that this is a fantastic idea, it takes getting into the car to realize that a 6 year old is not nearly tall enough to reach the peddles.
So we walk it.
11:15pm, we show up late for mass. Mom gets the drunk-giggles and sis-in-law tries to explain the finer points of the service to my lovely wife whom is still unfamiliar with virgin birth in a barn and catholic Jesus who was Jew.
So we walk it.
11:15pm, we show up late for mass. Mom gets the drunk-giggles and sis-in-law tries to explain the finer points of the service to my lovely wife whom is still unfamiliar with virgin birth in a barn and catholic Jesus who was Jew.
By 11:30 we’re all sweating profusely, partly because 1) We’re wearing 10 layers of winter gear and 2) we’re burning in hell for having caught the drunk-giggles with mom.
12pm, we rush home and spend the next two hours watching my nieces and nephews rip apart gift rap until their heads explode. Then the adults exchange gifts, ignoring the whole NO GIFT EXCHANGE policy.
So that’s Christmas at the Stamina’s. The next day I get to do it all over again on Mrs. Stamina’s side.
I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope the spirit in which this holiday is intended is one that you take with you into 2008.
Kindest Regards,
Jetson Stamina
P.S. If you read this blog and want to be added to the blogroll, let me know.
LIFE IN A SUNBEAM
Merry Christmas. . . This is my best work and favorite 5 part series. I will leave it up for a week or so. If you like it, please forward it to friends.
Messing With Spammers
The Complete Saga By Jetson Stamina
THE PROPOSAL:
The Complete Saga By Jetson Stamina
THE PROPOSAL:
For anyone who's ever received this kind of spam,
this is well worth the read. Just skim the intro letter.
I highlighted the good parts.
I highlighted the good parts.
DEAR FRIEND,
I AM ADAMS BELLO THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF BANK OF AFRICA. I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM THE INTERNET ,WHILE SEACHING FOR AN HONEST AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON, WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO IMPLEMENT THIS TRANSFER.
I DISCOVERED THE SUM OF TWENTY TWO MILLION AND FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (USD22.5M) BELONGING TO A DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THIS BANK. THE FUND HAS BEEN LYING IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANYBODY COMING TO PUT CLAIM OVER THE MONEY SINCE THE ACCOUNT OWNER LATE MR SALLA KHATIF FROM LEBANESE , WHO WAS INVOLVED IN THE DECEMBER 25TH 2003 BENIN PLANE CRASH.
WE LEARNT THAT ALL HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION DIED ALONGSIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM.
IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY THAT I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND I DON'T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL.
THE REQUEST OF FOREIGNER AS NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASSIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER AND A BURKINABE CANNOT STAND AS NEXT OF KIN TO A FOREIGNER. I THEREFORE SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO COME FORWARD AS THE NEXT OF KIN.
I HAVE AGREED THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY IN RESPECT OF THE PROVISION OF YOUR ACCOUNT AND SERVICES RENDERED, 55% WOULD BE FOR ME WHILE 5% WILL BE FOR EXPENCSES INCURED DURING THE CAUSE OF THIS TRANSACTION IF THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT FROM BANK OF AFRICA, I AND MY FAMILY IN THIS TRANSACTION WILL PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR OUR OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY. I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP THIS BUSINESS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AND SECRET AS YOU MAY WISH TO KNOW THAT I AM BANK OFFICIAL. I AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR ADAMS BELLO.
I AM ADAMS BELLO THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF BANK OF AFRICA. I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM THE INTERNET ,WHILE SEACHING FOR AN HONEST AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON, WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO IMPLEMENT THIS TRANSFER.
I DISCOVERED THE SUM OF TWENTY TWO MILLION AND FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (USD22.5M) BELONGING TO A DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THIS BANK. THE FUND HAS BEEN LYING IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANYBODY COMING TO PUT CLAIM OVER THE MONEY SINCE THE ACCOUNT OWNER LATE MR SALLA KHATIF FROM LEBANESE , WHO WAS INVOLVED IN THE DECEMBER 25TH 2003 BENIN PLANE CRASH.
WE LEARNT THAT ALL HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION DIED ALONGSIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM.
IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY THAT I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND I DON'T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL.
THE REQUEST OF FOREIGNER AS NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASSIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER AND A BURKINABE CANNOT STAND AS NEXT OF KIN TO A FOREIGNER. I THEREFORE SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO COME FORWARD AS THE NEXT OF KIN.
I HAVE AGREED THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY IN RESPECT OF THE PROVISION OF YOUR ACCOUNT AND SERVICES RENDERED, 55% WOULD BE FOR ME WHILE 5% WILL BE FOR EXPENCSES INCURED DURING THE CAUSE OF THIS TRANSACTION IF THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT FROM BANK OF AFRICA, I AND MY FAMILY IN THIS TRANSACTION WILL PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR OUR OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY. I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP THIS BUSINESS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AND SECRET AS YOU MAY WISH TO KNOW THAT I AM BANK OFFICIAL. I AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
MR ADAMS BELLO.
JETSON’S REPLY #1:
The fun starts.
The fun starts.
Dear Mr. Bello,
I am very excited about your proposition. However, I feel that I am taking much risk. In Canada this risk could mean electrocution by the chair for punishment. My brother was electrocuted and his hair looked like the Don King.
Therefore, I could agree to your proposal but only if I would receive 55% and you would receive 45%. I believe my risk is higher and deserve better dollars.
I expect our e-mail to be confidential as I am the captain of the Oilers and top scorer here. Please respond quickly as I am departing on business to Shagrotten, British Manitoba for 3 months.
Excited to make business inside you!
Best Regards,
Dr. Jetson Stamina
I am very excited about your proposition. However, I feel that I am taking much risk. In Canada this risk could mean electrocution by the chair for punishment. My brother was electrocuted and his hair looked like the Don King.
Therefore, I could agree to your proposal but only if I would receive 55% and you would receive 45%. I believe my risk is higher and deserve better dollars.
I expect our e-mail to be confidential as I am the captain of the Oilers and top scorer here. Please respond quickly as I am departing on business to Shagrotten, British Manitoba for 3 months.
Excited to make business inside you!
Best Regards,
Dr. Jetson Stamina
THE NEGOTIATION:
just skim, I highlighted the good parts.
just skim, I highlighted the good parts.
Hello Dr. Jetson Stamina,
Thank you for your mail and I am happy to share this transaction with you, but you must keep everything as top secret and very confidential. This is a business that require 100% absolute secret, it is a business that you do not allow your right hand to know what your left hand is doing. Please are you capable to do this transaction with me.
As for the sharing i can see reason with you but let make it 50 _50.
Please understand that you and I myself, are to work as one team to inherit this fund, hence I am your insider in the bank as the transaction commence.i advise you to feel free with me for all is going to be well with us.
I want you to arrange for a good receiving bank account into which our bank shall transfer this money in your favour as next of kin and you have nothing to fear since I am here, I shall be giving you all the developmental information´s from the bank as soon as the transaction commence.
You have nothing to fear as your interest and identity will be legally protected.
As you know such a business will require international-transaction. So we both shall jointly combine our efforts financially in any expenses that shall incure in the process of this transaction.
On hearing very favourable from you, i shall send you by mail or fax, an Application Text,which you shall retype with your banking account details and send it through the bank email address to our foreign remittance Director of our bank immediately without delay so that the bank shall commence for the onward transfer of the fund into your account within (7) working official days as the beneficiary and inheritor of the fund into your nominated receiving bank account.
Note that i made a prayer on your behalf, before i decieded to contact you for this great deal and this is why i put my trust in you knowing fully well that you will assist me in this Transaction.
Thank you for your mail and I am happy to share this transaction with you, but you must keep everything as top secret and very confidential. This is a business that require 100% absolute secret, it is a business that you do not allow your right hand to know what your left hand is doing. Please are you capable to do this transaction with me.
As for the sharing i can see reason with you but let make it 50 _50.
Please understand that you and I myself, are to work as one team to inherit this fund, hence I am your insider in the bank as the transaction commence.i advise you to feel free with me for all is going to be well with us.
I want you to arrange for a good receiving bank account into which our bank shall transfer this money in your favour as next of kin and you have nothing to fear since I am here, I shall be giving you all the developmental information´s from the bank as soon as the transaction commence.
You have nothing to fear as your interest and identity will be legally protected.
As you know such a business will require international-transaction. So we both shall jointly combine our efforts financially in any expenses that shall incure in the process of this transaction.
On hearing very favourable from you, i shall send you by mail or fax, an Application Text,which you shall retype with your banking account details and send it through the bank email address to our foreign remittance Director of our bank immediately without delay so that the bank shall commence for the onward transfer of the fund into your account within (7) working official days as the beneficiary and inheritor of the fund into your nominated receiving bank account.
Note that i made a prayer on your behalf, before i decieded to contact you for this great deal and this is why i put my trust in you knowing fully well that you will assist me in this Transaction.
Thanks and God bless you.
Mr Adams Bello.
JETSON’S REPLY #2:
God is on our side. Let’s negotiate!
God is on our side. Let’s negotiate!
Hello Mr. Bello,
Thank you for your response quickly. God is on our side and his modem is faster for us! I will keep everything top secret. I am good at confidential. My brothers wife has my baby inside her and nobody knows because I believe in the top secret.
I hope you will keep your secret 100% also! I do not want to be imprisonned or killed!
Please can you confirm that your secret will be 100%. I can not accept that you hold your secret 90% because the other 10% could make me electrocuted on the chair in the prison. Also, I could be on fire from my job. I am a Dr. of the proctology and could lose my license to practice inside canadians.
Please confirm if 100% confidential is ok?
As for sharing, I was born in the Saskatchewan Mountains and we believe in the negotiation. Can we split the money 54% for me and 48% for you?
Again, please understand my risk is high. My wife will take my children and leave. I have 2 siamese children, they are always hugging. I love them. Do you have kids? This money will make them happy!
I am sorry to hear about MR. Salla khatif. It is sad the he had no family. Was he flying the plane or was the death by sky dive without parachute?
I will be ready to be a partner inside you, please can you answer all of the above questions?
Please reply VERY quickly!
Best Regards,
DR. Jetson Stamina
Thank you for your response quickly. God is on our side and his modem is faster for us! I will keep everything top secret. I am good at confidential. My brothers wife has my baby inside her and nobody knows because I believe in the top secret.
I hope you will keep your secret 100% also! I do not want to be imprisonned or killed!
Please can you confirm that your secret will be 100%. I can not accept that you hold your secret 90% because the other 10% could make me electrocuted on the chair in the prison. Also, I could be on fire from my job. I am a Dr. of the proctology and could lose my license to practice inside canadians.
Please confirm if 100% confidential is ok?
As for sharing, I was born in the Saskatchewan Mountains and we believe in the negotiation. Can we split the money 54% for me and 48% for you?
Again, please understand my risk is high. My wife will take my children and leave. I have 2 siamese children, they are always hugging. I love them. Do you have kids? This money will make them happy!
I am sorry to hear about MR. Salla khatif. It is sad the he had no family. Was he flying the plane or was the death by sky dive without parachute?
I will be ready to be a partner inside you, please can you answer all of the above questions?
Please reply VERY quickly!
Best Regards,
DR. Jetson Stamina
THE FRUSTRATION:
Mr. Adams wants to get down to business.
Mr. Adams wants to get down to business.
Hello Dr. Jetson,
It ok by me, you said 54% to you 48% to me which is over 100%, it should be 54% by 46%. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.
Thanks,
Mr Adams.
It ok by me, you said 54% to you 48% to me which is over 100%, it should be 54% by 46%. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.
Thanks,
Mr Adams.
JETSON’S REPLY #3:
But Mr. Adams, can't we be friends?
Hello Mr. Adams,
So sorry for you to be frustrated with my questions. I want to make sure that I understand how to do this properly. I am glad we can agree on 54% to me and 48% to you. With this money I will start a new life and run away with my brother-in-laws wife! God believes in our love. We are meant to be. I believe this money is comming to you and me because God believes that we are justified. Like the timberlake. Thank You!
How shall we arrange the delivery of my share for the 22.5 million in USD?
I understand that you would like to mail. I fear this way is dangerous and I must 100% ensure confidentiality because I do not want jailification or worse Vandammage. The postman here is corrupt. They are like the chinese mafia, always dangerous with karate guns. I hate post man with their shorts and boots. Please can we arrange delivery without using the Mail?
I have funds available for via private Goodyear Zephyr. I could fly to meet you in Africa in two weeks if wind is good. This way we ensure face to face confidential. Only my pilot Robert Van Winkle will be in attendance. No corrupt postman!
As I understand it, I have to change last name to Khatif to ensure I am seen as next of kin, this is true?
Please send me your adresse and I can arrange for flight by next week.
God Bless You and thank you for chosing me!
Dr. Jetson Stamina
So sorry for you to be frustrated with my questions. I want to make sure that I understand how to do this properly. I am glad we can agree on 54% to me and 48% to you. With this money I will start a new life and run away with my brother-in-laws wife! God believes in our love. We are meant to be. I believe this money is comming to you and me because God believes that we are justified. Like the timberlake. Thank You!
How shall we arrange the delivery of my share for the 22.5 million in USD?
I understand that you would like to mail. I fear this way is dangerous and I must 100% ensure confidentiality because I do not want jailification or worse Vandammage. The postman here is corrupt. They are like the chinese mafia, always dangerous with karate guns. I hate post man with their shorts and boots. Please can we arrange delivery without using the Mail?
I have funds available for via private Goodyear Zephyr. I could fly to meet you in Africa in two weeks if wind is good. This way we ensure face to face confidential. Only my pilot Robert Van Winkle will be in attendance. No corrupt postman!
As I understand it, I have to change last name to Khatif to ensure I am seen as next of kin, this is true?
Please send me your adresse and I can arrange for flight by next week.
God Bless You and thank you for chosing me!
Dr. Jetson Stamina
THE PLEADING:
It seems that spammers have a higher threshold for the absolutlely daft,
as long as it results in dollar bills y’all.
Dear friend,
Please. You can not just come down, you have to apply first before knowing how the bank will like to transfered the money. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.
Thanks,
Mr Adams.
Please. You can not just come down, you have to apply first before knowing how the bank will like to transfered the money. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.
Thanks,
Mr Adams.
JETSON’S REPLY #4:
Let’s try quoting a song, give’m some details and
ask if we can become business partners.
Dear Mr. Adams,
I am sorry, in the previous correspondence I was missed steak. I am ready for the money. I am ready so much! My brother-in-laws wife is happy that you are doing this for our love! We are like one.
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed, Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed. I say love is like downs syndrome, it leaves you silly in a cage away from society, yes?
I want to know something. After we become full of money. Can we be business partners?
I want to start business in Africa with you. Canada is no longer safe with the Inuit Ski-Doo Gangs threatening our city. I have 20 year experience as Doctor of Proctology. I am an excrement business man! Can we be partners? Yes?
Ok on to business at hand...
Here are my DETAILS, please keep my details 100% confidential.
Height: 6 ft 1”
Weight: 243lbs
Eyes: Blue (some say so blue you see my soul)
Skin: Cock and asian
Hair: Salt n Peppah
Age: 30/02/69
Status: Married (but maybe we write single because I will end her, for good!, after the money comes)
Occupation: Dr. Of Proctology
I believe these are all my details. Please let me know if I forgot some details.
Thank You!
Dr. Jetson Stamina
P.S. Can we be friends and business partners? Please answer, this is important to my life.
I am sorry, in the previous correspondence I was missed steak. I am ready for the money. I am ready so much! My brother-in-laws wife is happy that you are doing this for our love! We are like one.
Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed, Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed. I say love is like downs syndrome, it leaves you silly in a cage away from society, yes?
I want to know something. After we become full of money. Can we be business partners?
I want to start business in Africa with you. Canada is no longer safe with the Inuit Ski-Doo Gangs threatening our city. I have 20 year experience as Doctor of Proctology. I am an excrement business man! Can we be partners? Yes?
Ok on to business at hand...
Here are my DETAILS, please keep my details 100% confidential.
Height: 6 ft 1”
Weight: 243lbs
Eyes: Blue (some say so blue you see my soul)
Skin: Cock and asian
Hair: Salt n Peppah
Age: 30/02/69
Status: Married (but maybe we write single because I will end her, for good!, after the money comes)
Occupation: Dr. Of Proctology
I believe these are all my details. Please let me know if I forgot some details.
Thank You!
Dr. Jetson Stamina
P.S. Can we be friends and business partners? Please answer, this is important to my life.
THE URGENCY:
Every good salesman puts a deadline on an offer.
Skim, I highlighted the good parts.
Every good salesman puts a deadline on an offer.
Skim, I highlighted the good parts.
Hello brother,
Many thanks for your reply and also your mail, I want to promise you that as far as i am concerned,we dont have any time to wast in archieving this goal as soon as the bank managment has approved you as the real next of kin to MR. SALLA KHATIF .
Meanwhile,Just as I promise you that i will compose an application of claim on which you will send to the bank management for the approval of the fund into your account just as soon as i have heard from you, Find below the application.
Please I have put the trust in you with hope that you will not batryed me at the end. Please i want you to asured me very well that nothing is going to heppen with my own share till i come over with my family to stay and invest based on your advise.I would like you to fill in the gap and send to the bank by email or fax below and also forward a copy to me .
I still want to assure you again that you have nothing to loose in helping me get this done.We will laugh together at the end maybe in your country or whereever you will advise me to invest my own share of this fund.
Fill the below application urgently and then fax or email to the bank using the information below.I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have sent it by calling me on phone to enable me know that you have sent the text to the bank..
Thanks and regards to you
Mr Adams.
BLAH BLAH BLAH... an application followed.
Many thanks for your reply and also your mail, I want to promise you that as far as i am concerned,we dont have any time to wast in archieving this goal as soon as the bank managment has approved you as the real next of kin to MR. SALLA KHATIF .
Meanwhile,Just as I promise you that i will compose an application of claim on which you will send to the bank management for the approval of the fund into your account just as soon as i have heard from you, Find below the application.
Please I have put the trust in you with hope that you will not batryed me at the end. Please i want you to asured me very well that nothing is going to heppen with my own share till i come over with my family to stay and invest based on your advise.I would like you to fill in the gap and send to the bank by email or fax below and also forward a copy to me .
I still want to assure you again that you have nothing to loose in helping me get this done.We will laugh together at the end maybe in your country or whereever you will advise me to invest my own share of this fund.
Fill the below application urgently and then fax or email to the bank using the information below.I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have sent it by calling me on phone to enable me know that you have sent the text to the bank..
Thanks and regards to you
Mr Adams.
BLAH BLAH BLAH... an application followed.
REPLY #5:
Preparing the home for your guests and ensuring that
the proper forms have been filled out.
Preparing the home for your guests and ensuring that
the proper forms have been filled out.
Dear MR. Adams,
Thank you for re-writing with me. You are coming to America! Land of the Hasselhoff and of the free. I am excited soo much it is yellow in my boxer for you to live with my loving family and my manatee like life draining wife!
In preparation for your arrival, I have commanded her to prepare the crawl space for you and your family to live. It is beautiful now with corregated box and packing foam for sleep. It is also a final resting place for many street youth I encountered after rye binge, but limestone has made it smell new and fantastic!
A dugeon fit for a Kink. All for you.
When the money cum. It will be happy money. It will need towel.
I have received your application details, but I must wait for my name to be changed to the name of MR. SALLA KHATIF. If I am going to disguise myself for imposter. I must have his name to get the 22 Billion that we will share.
BEFORE I CAN FILL OUT THE APPLICATION MY BANK TRUSTEE HAS ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS QUESTIONNAIRE THAT I MUST HAVE BEFORE YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE FILLED IN THE BILLY BLANKS. PLEASE FILL OUT ASAP.
I will keep 90% confidential.
1- Name:
2- Country Of Origin:
2a- Date Of Conception:
3- Sex:
4- Sexual Orientation (cocoa starfish or pink canoe?):
5- How many wifes?
6- How many children?
7- Occupation?
8-Relation to Mr. Stamina?
9-Will you help Mr. Stamina burry first wife at cottage?
10- How many wild animals do you intend to bring to America?
10a – If so, Will your monkeys be in a barrel?
PLEASE FILL OUT, THIS IS FOR CONFIDENTIAL TRUSTEE INFORMATION. I MUST HAVE BEFORE APPLICATION.
MR. ADAMS. I Feel that we are getting close, like the mountain near brokeback! We will soon both be full of money. I am looking forward to making giant business inside of you!
Your Best Friend and Life Partner,
Dr. Jetson Stamina
P.S. I must tell you in advance, last night night the manatee clogged the plumbing with giant brown cobra with corn and peanut skin. This went into crawl space. But more limestone = Less visit by police. Yes?
THE END -
The correspondence ended here.
Maybe he didn’t want to help bury my fictitious wife in the crawl space. Maybe he realised that my brother-in-law’s wife is in fact my sister and sharing 22 billion with an incestuous Doctor was immoral.
Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe not hard enough. Maybe it was beginning to look like too much work to share 22 Billion dollars with Dr. Jetson Stamina or maybe he realised that I was in fact a WOLF in SHEEP’s clothing.
. . . or a A Badger in a Bear suit.
You’d think that once you get close enough, you’d be like, Oh Thank God, that’s just a bear costume and not an actual bear. Then the bear suit comes off and it’s a fucking Badger and you’re like, Fuck me, where does a badger find a bear suit at this time of night?
So now the badger’s on top of you and you’re just protecting your eyes, 'cause you figure, He can disfigure me, but at least I’ll still have my sight.
So he mangles you a bit and after a while, he get’s bored, puts the bear suit back on, get’s into his 1987 Plymouth Sundance and drives away.
The moral of the story here is this. . .
A badger that can drive a car while wearing a bear suit is more dangerous than a wolf.
I digress. . .
This marks the end of my business relationship with Mr. Adams. Thank you for reading.
Your comments would be greatly appreciated.
Best Regards,
The Jetson
Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe not hard enough. Maybe it was beginning to look like too much work to share 22 Billion dollars with Dr. Jetson Stamina or maybe he realised that I was in fact a WOLF in SHEEP’s clothing.
. . . or a A Badger in a Bear suit.
You’d think that once you get close enough, you’d be like, Oh Thank God, that’s just a bear costume and not an actual bear. Then the bear suit comes off and it’s a fucking Badger and you’re like, Fuck me, where does a badger find a bear suit at this time of night?
So now the badger’s on top of you and you’re just protecting your eyes, 'cause you figure, He can disfigure me, but at least I’ll still have my sight.
So he mangles you a bit and after a while, he get’s bored, puts the bear suit back on, get’s into his 1987 Plymouth Sundance and drives away.
The moral of the story here is this. . .
A badger that can drive a car while wearing a bear suit is more dangerous than a wolf.
I digress. . .
This marks the end of my business relationship with Mr. Adams. Thank you for reading.
Your comments would be greatly appreciated.
Best Regards,
The Jetson
Genetic Compromise
- Last night, US presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was on Larry King. Later, they added Chuck Norris to the panel. Norris is Huckabee’s biggest celebrity supporter. If Van Damme endorses Obama and MR.T endorses Clinton I am moving to Kansas. That’s the kind of America that I want to live right smack dab in the middle of.
- It just occurred to me, Chuck Norris should star in Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Bio-pic.
- I’m a seven. My wife is a nine. If all goes well, we will one day make little baby Eights. It’s a healthy genetic compromise.
- Today I won at foosball. I punctuated my victory with a little dance I like to call The Robot Of Awesomeness. The robot part needs some work but the awesomeness was right on par.
- Last night I boiled spaghetti noodles, mixed in some raclette cheese with chicken cold cuts and peppered the whole thing with parmesan cheese. It was a gourmet masterpiece. Truly something that Chuck Norris would endorse.
I invite you to delurk and comment.
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